Thinking Upon What is Lovely

This week's message, delivered by Charlie Dodrill at Platt Park Church was of course as touching as every other message we receive. I especially took solace in the message as it spoke to me about worry and conflict that I put upon myself; unnecessary stress was lifted off of my shoulders this Sunday.

Thinking Upon What is Lovely. 

A practice which I need to be reminded of often. Charlie's message reveals that "we become what we behold."

I have recently been conflicted by some of the commonplace concepts in my life--my posture on friendship, on family, on finances, and on my role in this life. I think these points of contention will appear and reappear throughout my life as people change and come and go from our lives, as our finances conform to our needs, and as my priorities evolve as we all grow older.

Regardless of my place in life, I should strive to always be Thinking Upon What is Lovely! The notion is to turn our thoughts from what is ugly into seeking the good and beauty in everything and everybody.

In theory, whatever you speak to will rise up!

I must ask myself:

Is this this thought...

1. True
2. Noble
3. Right
4. Pure
5. Lovely
6. Excellent
7. Worthy of Praise

I wondered how many thoughts come and go from my mind on a daily basis that answer "no" to all seven of those points. I feel challenged to more actively look for the good in things and in people by asking myself if they are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, excellent, and praise worthy. Not only that, but to also turn my mind from the clutter that creates the anxiety that weighs heavily on my shoulders. 

I have recently been struggling with many enemies in my life, like jealousy, distraction, dissatisfaction, resentment...all feelings and thoughts that should be discarded as unworthy of my time and energy. 

Thank you Charlie, for your message, and above all, thank you God for placing these reminders in my life so that I might follow a path free of worry and anxiety. 

A Place to Call Home

In over 10 years of marriage, Nate and I had yet to find a church that we could both call home. By default we attended Christ Community for many years and while we enjoyed the messages prepared weekly by Nate's Dad, Pastor Bruce, we were having a difficult time calling CCC our home. The congregation, while a community of wonderful people, were...let's say, of a different generation and the kids really didn't have a group they could grow and learn with either.

Finding a place to worship as a family is difficult. Nate and I come from very different backgrounds and like most couples, are on a different stretch of our spiritual journeys. We needed a place that spoke to us each in different ways. We also needed to find a home where the kids could worship with friends in an environment hosted by like-minded leaders. 

We made a decision to visit Platt Park church early this year. It was an easy decision because both family and friends attended this church already--thanks for doing the leg-work for us friends! Thus far we have enjoyed the sermons and everybody has been very welcoming. We have not committed to this church yet, but look forward to learning more about it's philosophies and hopefully becoming more and more involved and invested. 

Platt Park, CCC, whatever church we attend, Nate and I can agree that the message that we need to hear on any given day is usually delivered. If we need to find peace and comfort, we find it. If it's reflection we are looking for, the proper message is present. If it's a swift-kick in the pants--done! The messages always relate to exactly whatever troubles and triumphs we are facing at that moment. 

The amazing thing about church is that it's ever-evolving to what you need it to be. The messages, somehow, touch every person in the congregation in a different, but equally profound way. You walk away feeling like a better person, with less anxiety and more faith than with what you entered through those doors with. In uncertain times, it's nice to know that we have a place to retreat to on a weekly basis. 

I am thankful for God's word and the treasures that I find by walking through those doors and opening up my heart every week.

Amen.

Calling all Martyrs

It was about two yeas ago that a friend introduced me to a book called, The Best Yes, by Lysa Terkeurst. Lysa's incredible viewpoints are empathetic to the typical overextended volunteer like myself. Her points touch on nearly all of mine and lead me to realize that I am literally All. Over. The. Place. And that not one of the areas that I inhabit is getting nearly enough attention that it deserves. And even worse, I was stressing about picking up the slack in so many places that I was ultimately leaving my home life in disarray along the way.

We were literally missing out on camping opportunities because I was obligating myself and my family to events at the pool. I was living/working in downright clutter and disorganization because I was chairing an auction and storing all of the items in my tiny little office. And the chores and household upkeep were frequently neglected because there wasn't even a fraction of time remaining to dedicate to them.

I literally had a friend give me a stack of post-its with this very image on it.

I read an article in the March 2017 issue of Real Simple (my favorite mag) titled, How to Conquer the Martyr Complex, by Ingela Ratledge. It was like the wind blew the magazine to this page and the heavens shined down upon it! Author and recovering martyr Joanne Kimes is quoted in the article, "'There's such a sense of guilt moms get every time they're not being super woman...I used to think my daughter cared that I was volunteering at school--and it turns out she didn't give a crap! And I was missing time with her to do it.'"

And I was missing time with her to do it! That resonates with me because it's exactly what was going down. What do my children have to do with volunteering on all of these executive boards? It's attending PTO Meetings rather than spending time in the classroom with my girls or joining them once a month in the lunchroom or enjoying field trips with them and their classmates. My oldest daughter is in 5th grade and I let that opportunity slip out from underneath me now that she's gearing up for middle school. It was running the snack bar at the pool rather than jumping into the water to play. I will always regret missing out on those fleeting moments--there were invaluable memories missed and it makes me sad.

And a bit of advice: when your resume reflects more volunteer accomplishments on it than it does paid work experience, you should seriously reconsider your priorities. 

Why was I overextending myself and my poor, poor husband? The martyr complex is explained in various ways. Psychologist Pam Garcy says "They overdo it because they want their personal world to feel better. They're seeking fulfillment, connection, and a sense of importance, (Rateldge, 2017).  Perhaps I did it due to "basic issues of self-worth." The most thought provoking reason was that, "You may be trying to cover up the fact that you have no clue how to get from where you are to where you want to be."

I pray that the ladder explanation trumps my subconscious need for fulfillment of self-worth!

Finding "where I want to be" would mean Choosing "The Best Yes" and making those choices in the best interest of myself and my family, rather than our community.

Knowing I couldn't just walk away, I started a journey away from excessive obligation towards a freedom that I hadn't experienced in a lot of years.

I have since passed along responsibility with our community pool, I have made it known that this will be my last year serving on the PTO Executive Board (can't get much higher than President anyways), and I believe I've made it pretty clear that I'm not going to continue picking up the slack because "somebody has to do it".

Sometimes I feel bad when I simply delete Sign Ups for volunteers or that I rely so heavily on the rest of the PTO Board to accomplish tasks. And sometimes I feel withdrawn from the community because I don't have my hand in each-and-every event or decision.

I have become more and more OK with choosing "the best yeses" and it's been a far more comfortable place to occupy. Furthermore, as Rateldge writes, "generosity for its own sake does exist." I can volunteer in areas that are dear to me and I will have the opportunity to both give and receive in a more hearth-felt and committed way. I don't have to resent what should otherwise be fulfilling and meaningful life experiences.

Going forward, I look forward to strengthening friendships, to building memories with my husband and kids, and also from time-to-time giving to people and organizations in need--in moderation of course!

Disorganization at It's Finest

I feel like I'm a hot mess! Especially while I sit here typing with the elevator music playing over the speaker phone while I patiently wait for the third customer service person to assist me at Cigna. My last minute phone call to navigate our HRA account has me both frustrated and wishing I had been more organized and figured this out prior to running out of our prescriptions.

This is only one of the many "piles" of crap to conquer in my life.

I look around my desk and I Spy...

...12 random bobby pins, 8 neon colored post-its, and a year's worth of birthday cards on display--who are those even from?

...a pile of Girl Scout badges that I need to iron on to my daughter's uniform--and I'm the troop leader!

...a stack of books I've failed to finish reading.

...I found coasters, as well as 34 water rings on my wooden desk!

And the dust...oh the dust!

It's time to get organized, to put an end to this clutter (both my desk and my brain) and I have plans to take this mission throughout the house over the weekend.

And beyond the clutter I expect to find peace of mind. It's there, somewhere...perhaps hidden behind the expired canned goods in the pantry, or possibly underneath the overwhelming pile of lonely socks. I will find it and I will be free--at least until I find myself here again soon.

Happy purging!

Finding My Role in Life

Surely I'm not the only person hung up on making changes in his or her life. I feel like I'm constantly chasing meaning or purpose. I play a lot roles in the repertoire of life from mother and wife, to community do-gooder to devoted Board Member. I consider myself a Christian woman and fierce friend to many!

Even still, I'm having a difficult time finding my calling in life. My family, of course, takes priority over all other roles. But, when the girls are grown and no longer at home, I will be left with a big gaping hole in my life. Parenthood is a fleeting occupation. While my marriage and my daughters will always be my greatest accomplishments in life, there will come a time when my role as caretaker will fade.

The work I've done over the years has never defined me as a person. I was never a waitress, or an administrative assistant, or a CNA, and my current role as Audit Manager defines me even less. These roles provided me with very little to no fulfillment, outside of a paycheck of course.

I'm not very good at cooking, although I'm working on it.
Photography requires time and equipment.
Fitness is a hateful cloud always looming over my head.
Making new friends is daunting to say the least (must be my resting-bitch-face).

While food and photography and fitness and friends (among other things) are near-and-dear to my heart, they don't necessarily give me purpose in life. I am in search for a purpose that could carry me well into my later years and beyond.

I AM good at writing; I quite enjoy writing. Feeling and emotion is hugely expressed when written down and I pray that perhaps there is an audience out there who will find my words empathetic and relateable.

I write this blog as the barer of many, many roles. My experiences stem from those roles and I have learned a great deal from them. I have been given opportunities, I have met amazing men and women, I have grown as a mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister, and woman.

My life is not full of excitement on a daily basis and there is no clashing tragedy that gives way to my every thought and move in life. But, as we all know very well, the many roles we play in life give way to experiences worth sharing. This roller coaster of a life is interesting and rewarding and I want to share it. I want to write about it and I pray that the reader takes away some sort of value and that he or she relates to my words as if they were his or her own.

And so, my new role (and a closet-role for the time being) is Mommy-blogger, record keeper, curator of photographs, and autobiographer!

Ready. Set. Go.