Finding Your Why

As I venture out onto a journey of finding myself, narrowing down my passion, and creating a better me, I keep hearing motivational speakers talk about "the why".

I'm drinking the Koolaid, I'm eager to get after a life that highlights my God-given gifts, but I'm hung up on this question. I know that I want to leave my job, I know that I want to plunge into a career that inspires me, and I know that I cannot wait!

With my husband fully on board and supportive, I've decided to begin the research and prayer towards starting my own photography business. I've started a business plan (took me an entire day to write only one of ten sections), I've started looking into other local photography competition, and I've been listening to power-house women who have taken the leap of faith, struggled, failed, succeeded, and ultimately won! Kendra Scott, Rachel Hollis, Christy Wright, Jessica Honneger (go ahead, google them), all of these women knew that they were taking a chance and they owned it, rocked it, and freakin' brought it! They are all inspirations to me, but they all have something I don't (besides incredible careers), and that's a why. Why did they start a jewelry business? Why did they work so hard to empower women in third world countries? Why do they share their stories?

As I was sitting at our crummy uptown office, I think it dawned on me, in a very natural way. I don't want to work here anymore. I don't want to work for somebody else in a field that I don't even fully understand or really even find all that interesting. I'm not challenged, I'm underappreciated, and I'm straight. up. unhappy. And I have been for a very long time.

I think it's incredibly sad how people will stay in something, just simply getting by, because it's comfortable and familiar and, well, it pays the bills. We trade in our happiness 40 hours a week (usually more) for a paycheck.

I'm breaking the norm, I'm following my why!

Because life is too short to spend 1/3 of every week day in a space that is dragging you down. We are meant to be challenged and it has simply taken me too long to realize that happiness cannot be found in a paycheck. We are gifted, each and every one of us. There is somebody out there who would love and appreciate my current position as an Audit Manager-and I bet they are darn good at it!

Because I want to be happy again. I want to transition between life and work and back to life seamlessly, stress-free, and content.

Because I want to take pride in something.

Because I want to use my gifts to make others smile, to capture memories, to freeze moments in time!

Because I'm worth it. I'm worth the fear, the stress, the unknown.

Because it's my life and I'm taking it back!

Because I want to live out my why and be the best possible version of myself that I can be, every single day!

https://www.ted.com/talks/simon_sinek_how_great_leaders_inspire_action

Letting Go

I am finding, as my girls get older, that the most constant struggle I've dealt with, is letting go--and I mean that on a number of different levels. We have expectations and plans and dreams for our children and for our family dynamic. I know that when I was a young girl, I had a plan to go to college, travel abroad, start a career, meet the man of my dreams and then settle down in a big beautiful house, with yes, a white-picked fence like the one in 90s TV show "7th Heaven". I had the expectation that I would spend real quality time with my children on a daily basis, that my marriage would thrive and grow every year, that my house would be clean and my pocketbook full, that I would cook and bake because I loved it and was good at it, and that my house would be full of the sounds of laughter and friendship and memories.

None of these ideals were realistic. Key words: ideal and realistic.

I have been a parent for nearly 12 years now. Sure, profound memories fill the rooms of this house--but so do messes and stains and smells--what IS that smell? My marriage grows every year and it's full of love, 99.9% of the time. Quality time is spent with the girls, in 15 minute increments in the car to golf lessons or Girl Scouts. I bake, but not well; I cook; but not because I love it; and my pocket book contains a $5 bill...that's all. This is my reality and frankly, I'm tired of living the Instrgram lie.

Our expectations were shot the second we found out we were pregnant. I can't say that was a joyous couple of days necessarily. I was 21 years old, unmarried (gasp, "sinner"), and Nate and I really hadn't accomplished anything to speak of. No travel, no careers, I hadn't even finished college. We didn't have any money in savings, were both living with roommates and to be quite frank--we'd barely known each other a year. I look back at that time, as we are 12 years into our marriage and two beautiful babies deep, and I realize that no matter what expectations or plans we had, this is where God intended us to be.

It's time to let go of unrealistic expectations and plans. My kids are alive and smart and well and happy. My marriage is strong and my husband is my best friend. My house is lived in, some days more than others. We enjoy restaurants when my cooking isn't at it's best and I only have $5 because for that very reason!

And that's OK. In fact, it's perfectly imperfect! It's messes and arguments and crazy schedules and it's also laughter and family and pure joy. If we let go of such high, unrealistic expectations and this desire for perfection, we can see that life is beautifully messy!

We also have to let go of grandiose plans--neither for your overall path in life, nor for your trip to the grocery store. Expect the unexpected. All of the time. I'm not discouraging a plan for the future or a plan to save money for a vacation. I simply mean that plans, 97.6% of the time should be thrown to the wayside, either A) to live in a moment or B) to avoid a massive heap of disappointment. When do things ever go exactly as you planned them? In your life, in your marriage, in your week or even in your lunch hour? Shattered plans don't have to throw off your day if you have a lesser, looser expectation and allow yourself to let life's plan take it's course.

Know that there will be some days when your expectations for your day are as minimal as they can possibly be, and you still find disappointment. Take time for prayer and reflection. Place your burdens on God, laugh off the giant mess in your kitchen, pour a glass of wine, pick yourself up off of the ground and let go of all of the small stuff. Seriously, "Shake it Off"!

Let go of the small stuff. Didn't get to the laundry today? Who cares, it'll be there tomorrow. Fed your kids a Happy Meal for lunch? Who cares? They certainly don't! Forgot to take the movies back to the Redbox, it's only a couple of dollars. In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter that you didn't cross off all 84 things on your to do list today? Cut yourself some slack and let go of the small stuff.

And then, when you've just learned how to let go of the high expectations and perfection and the small stuff...it's time to let go of them. Those little people that you adjusted and compromised and bent for. The loves of your life--you've shared triumphs and broken hearts and joys and pains--you one day have to let go of them as well.

Seriously, you get to a point where you've finally mastered life--letting go of the small stuff and adjusting your plans and compensating for life's hiccups--and then it's time to let go of them. It doesn't seem fair. But, they've learned all they could, they've absorbed every moment and they are suddenly very well-equipped to take on the universe in their own perfectly imperfect way!

Earlier this week we sent our oldest daughter off to middle school. She had to take a leap of faith out of a public school that she grew up in and into a private environment where she knew very little people. And we had to let go enough for her to be able to do that. We had decided that this would be her decision. You know what happened? She owned that decision and while it hasn't been the smoothest week, despite our planning, she is thrilled about her newfound independence. The rest will follow. She's making friends, she's getting used to her teachers and classes, she is riding the bus to and from school, she's making her way in the world, blind to what's coming next but eager to see!

Life is full of choices. We have to let go of our expectations and ideals and let God take the wheel, having faith that His plan is bigger than our own.

Responsibility for your Energy

This year, some very close friends of ours found themselves caught up in mayhem, absolute and utter mayhem. It forced them all to make hard decisions and sacrifices and these hardships ultimately extended outward to their circle of friends and their communities. 

The decisions of few forced the compromise of others, on many different levels. Sides had to be chosen, secrets had to be kept, compassion and sympathies had to be given even at times when they were in short supply. Families were broken apart and lives were changed forever. It's a hardship that I'd never wish on any group of friends or on any marriage.

As the months have gone by and wounds are being replaced by scars, we find ourselves at a juncture in these hard circumstances. We have spent many nights both shedding and holding back tears, we've felt all of the feels on so many different levels, and we've supported and held one another up when the times were hardest. When is enough, enough? 

When do we begin moving forward to adjust our lives to accommodate the trauma that even those farthest removed have experienced. How does one lift herself up in a way that doesn't forget the past, but tucks it away in a place that it no longer consumes the energy in the room? 

The situation this year weighed so incredibly heavy on the hearts of so many, and it's time to move forward. How can I do this and still be a good friend to those who's lives were left in shambles? How can I be loving and compassionate for those who have lost so much? And can I continue that support without falling victim to toxic energy that so quickly fills the space whenever the subject is present? 

Looking forward and beyond the first half of 2018, I plan to make it my responsibility to change the tone, to lift spirits in a way that overshadows the pain, to count blessings, to pray and thank God for bearing the weight of all of the wrong that has been done, to hold up my friends and share my strength in their times of need, to genuinely love and care for those I am closest to, to take in each and every moment, and to live life with intention and compassion and kindness and thoughtfulness. 

I cannot change the past and the pain that was brought down on my loved ones, but I can change the attitude, the tone, the energy in the room and I pray that others will feel the love as well. 

I'm in a Rut

Is it just me, or is it incredibly easy to find oneself back at ground zero, constantly starting over? This dejavu can be found in dieting or exercise--you lose 5 lbs., gain it back, and start over. It can be found in my kids bedrooms-I spend three hours cleaning it every month because clearly my expectations of room maintenance are far too high.

On an even higher level for me, I find myself repeating the same feelings of dissatisfaction. I feel like I have no goals and when I do find the motivation to set them, I move on a week later. And then, I sit down--because once again I'm feeling motivated to write and blog, and I type the same old, stale words. It's a vicious cycle of motivate, fail, repeat and all I'm doing is treading water--and let me tell you, I tire easily!

I'm in a rut.

And so I've recently turned to some power house women for advice--or more so, I listen to them speak on topics surrounding marriage, relationships, goals, motivation, God, compassion, the pod cast category list is endless really! I've been reading Rachel Hollis and Jen Hatmaker--women who were here and some how, permanently, broke free of this cycle. I've joined book clubs and even started a health and fitness accountability group with my best girl friends.

And I'm still in a rut. I'm underwhelmed, unmotivated, and I might go as far to say that I'm a little depressed.

Where do I go from here? It's a struggle to motivate myself, even with the help of these motivational speakers and my friends, to make any sort of change, to gain any sort of traction, to just get off of my can and make the changes that only I can make. What is missing? How do I break this cycle of disappointment? How can I emerge stronger, wiser, better than I have been? How do I reach the potential that I know I'm capable of? What is holding me back? What am I afraid of?

Plain and simple, I'm in a gosh-darn rut!

THE Talk

This past summer, my 10 year-old daughter began showing signs of pre-teen wisdom. She was hinting at questions that would require THE Talk! You know, the one where Mom and daughter sit uncomfortably with cups of coffee and hot cocoa and discuss all things hormonal!

And so it would be. 

I invited Elizabeth out for nektar (you can tell a place is schwanky when they refuse to spell correctly) and we set out on a walk with super food beverages in hand! 

I don't feel that Elizabeth is your average tween. For one thing, she's wise beyond her years and always has been. She was born with an old soul and sophistication. I stepped into this conversation knowing that it would be an easy one. 

What I didn't know was how much to tell your child, how to find that fine line between parent and confidant, and what stance do I take on all things sex knowing that perhaps Nate and I have slightly different points of view on the matter. (Just because I was the one having the conversation doesn't mean that it would only come from my beliefs.) And so, I turned to the internet....

Tidbit: Don't do that.

Much like the absence of a one-stop-shop on learning how to bring a baby in this world, or a recipe for raising non-bratty children, there is no manual on this topic either! It's truly a non-scripted conversation that you have to have from your heart and it will vary from one child to the next. The conversation I had with Elizabeth will be changed to fit Abby's temperament when the time comes.

I won't get into the nitty-gritty of our conversation, but I will tell you that I could see deep understanding come into the heart of my daughter. I told her of God's plans for her, I used examples from my personal life, and I let her know that her Dad and I love her very much. I left the conversation open-ended as I knew that she would have questions for me as she started thinking about it more and as she started comparing notes with her 5th grade friends.

We've since had additional "nektar dates" and I'm so glad that I seized the moment to not only bond with my daughter, but to also remind her how special she is and how precious life is. This was the first of many heart-felt, character building conversations that we will share with one another and while it was nerve-racking to do, it was special and necessary.

You cannot find the answers to life's questions in a book. Ask God to guide you through those intricate details and thought provoking queries that life presents. It's a special thing when you can share your faith and your experiences with your children.

Embrace and cherish it.